The locked up Princess, and the Evil Queen… the inner voices of ADHD.

The locked up Princess and the Evil Queen, the inner voices of ADHD.

In a fairytale world you’d want to save the Princess and kill the Evil Queen right? Right.

Well. My mission is different.

In my internal world-I want to silence the princess and hear and obey -the evil queen!

Who are these women? These contradictory states?, Protagonist, Antagonist? Associate, Dissociative? . ID, ego, super ego? (I’m grasping at straws here lol., I’m not a psychologist- suffice to say, I know it’s none of those,  or these.. split personality, multiple personality, schizophrenia.

But I hear voices in my head you say ?

Yes of course I do.

I, have ADHD.

Now, two years ago, I knew jack little about internal monologue , inner speech, or,  that during speech and language development, children/ people with ADHD, do not properly internalise a part of their speech.

I didn’t know any of this, even the researchers are only just starting to come to grips with it all. Yea. My understanding, as most, was that people who heard voices in their head had issues. I didn’t see myself as one of those.

Ironic huh. Hearing voices in my head and not even realising ?

That’s a issue if there ever was.

You see. 2 years ago I thought my thinking process was normal .

Then “hello” to little white pills called dexamphetamine.

And “goodbye” to the little voices in my head.

Ok. The princess and the queen are metaphors . I’m being metaphorical, poetical. I’m trying to cast some light and humour on what I think is a very in-the-“dark” topic.

It actually grieves me to say this , but my brain experiences such a change in function on dexamphetamine versus not, that unless you get there inside my streaming head and watch and feel and experience the difference ‘live’ then it’s unimaginable, unbelievable to you.

To watch-feel-experience “tangible” differences in your brain function – LIKE ITS POWERED UP – working for you – WORKING LIKE CLOCKWORK. It astounded me, yet disturbed me profoundly.

Have I spent my entire forty years of life running with a faulty brain ? A brain that instead of working for me … has been working against me?

Ya know, seriously …

I lost those voices inside my head ! that I didn’t know I had! , until I lost them. !

Who and what were those voices?

( Hang on for some more fairytale telling )

On one hand, in the kingdom of my head, there was-is, a princess. She sounds like this.

” why is time going so slowly , so quickly?” “I just want to sit here” “I quite like it here” “no I don’t” “save me , help me” ” I’m going crazy” ” this is not right” “this is not fair” ” why me” ” It wasn’t supposed to be like this” and of course secretly hoping a white knight in shining armour will save her.

And on the other hand, the queen, is looking at herself in the mirror and asking for true feedback.

She’s not asking who the fairest of them all is, that’s her last concern. No. This evil queen is asking, what she needs to do ? to stay in control of her subjects (matter-brain)

She is crazy with desire to keep her kingdom (brain) under control. She is a fighter, she turns an ear and an eye away from the princess , she is formidable, she has no mercy, she is the waver of the wand, the creator of alternative means and schemes, she is her only friend, her only advocate. And she’s a good one. And her survival depends on it.

Yep it was a bitchy noisy annoying place inside my head.

Until dexamphetamine.

Until no longer was it necessary to govern my brain . No longer does my brain have to compensate. If only for the two hour working life of any given dose of 20mg. It’s strangely amazing.

This probably sounds blinking weird. Thing is, it is weird. And like I said, you’ll never really understand, it’s like this… you never know what it’s like to have a child , until you do.

But I’m trying to explain it. Albeit and as always in my long winded poetical way.

I’ll try to be specific.

Not long after beginning my medication, dexamphetamine, I exclaimed to my friend,

“I no longer have that voice in my head” !

She queried, curiously . “What do You mean?

“Well”, I replied, “I would have conversations going on in my head, but now they are gone!”

“Fascinating” she said.

“And I don’t think I talk out loud to myself either!”

” Really?” She said,

Well , that was the end of that conversation and I, slightly bemused hung up and carried on with my new normal. Easily and effortlessly adapting to my new headspace. Less exhausting I noticed. Incredible .

Well. 11 months off my meds has been 11 long months of tolerating the reappearance of that nagging queen.

I actually call it my self coaching voice now !

Yes, without the meds, i motivate, help, push, drive my brain with a loud myriad of necessary speech and conversation. . And yes, the princess speaks too, but ever so faintly, she’s dying you see, the Queen refuses to feed her.

The talking aloud is back as well.

Wanna know a secret? I’m speaking ALOUD every word I type.

Ever watched a child play alone or with a new toy? He sitting there talking to himself, sometimes it sounds like he’s talking to a friend.

Hes already learnt to speak, but he’s hasn’t properly developed and internalised his speech.

I’m like that.

Most people with ADHD will tell you the same thing.

And btw. It’s no laughing matter, the intuitive need to talk out loud to get things processed, or done properly . Because when others are around .. do you think we keep talking ? Noooo we’re not crazy. But then what ? We can’t function as well. So we settle for dumb, or disorganised, or disappointing.

bless us.

And as my doctor tells me always. Pat yourself on the back.

The effort you always have to , choose to make, just to be normal is huge.

Love, me. ❤️ you.