Ok. I haven’t sunk into the heavy mire of negative rumination, degrading, useless unbalanced self talk.
No not I. ✔️
For I am all too aware, that thinking such things, in such a spirit, is the path that leads to self destruction.
(If I choose too, I could walk around with these things on my mind.)
(But I fight them away- because what’s the point? They feel argumentative, mean and unhelpful)
“You have lost your mind”
“She’s chemically unbalanced”
“She’s always like this”
“She’s a problem”
“You’re a terrible writer”
“You are sick”
“You need help”
“You need to see someone”
“You need to grow up”
“Your artwork is obscene”
These are actually just a few snippets of some actual suggestions I’ve received from others about me.
These were sent or spoken to myself, both directly and indirectly through out the course of my life. No kisses, no emojis, no nothing else’s, just these words. And these are just a simple few.
All of the above from the people that I love the most in the world.
Not extraordinary as, …
(We often are the most brutal with the ones we love but how wrong this is, because these are the ones we need to look after the most. )
And so Houston. This is a problem. For don’t we listen to the ones we love more than any other persons in this world?
Now. I am not anti criticism, and I am not blind to the pros of self evaluation or of learning to see myself as others do.
But I am vehemently anti the practice of unkind, unbalanced ignorant criticism, unguarded, insensitive back chat, slander, false accusation, mockery, emotional and verbal abuse, passive aggression, mental manipulation, gaslighting and gossip.
Ok. I am not myself a saintly possessor of a squeaky clean slate. I wouldn’t feel so strongly about this topic if I hadn’t of suffered on both sides of the fence! If I, had not been both victim and perpetrator.
No, I am here, (Funny huh) yes I am here, me … with ADHD, here to touch on the implications of the danger of these foolish games that we all play with each other when we go about unleashing judgements and persecutions in such a reckless, impulsive manner.
I’m here to reiterate my learning that we all have a responsibility, towards not only our own self and health , but the lives and good health of each other. (Especially those close to us)
I’m here to declare my observation of the uselessness of negative tactics in the goal of supporting and loving our brothers and sisters, sons and daughters , friends and family, neighbours and strangers that walk with us on this earth.
I am here to ask you to love me. And to understand what love means. The path to all knowledge, and to all understanding.
Ok big words huh? Yep and I speak from the school of hard knocks as yes, within my own life I have consistently battled and fought , both losing and overcoming and losing again and no doubt overcoming again, and losing again, this battle to swap away the arrows of negative and sometimes cutting words.
I have ADHD. Some people have clinical depression and other mental disorders. We are a vulnerable lot, the irony being we are the most likely aggressors and the easiest targets. Is it just us? I think not… but this topic I speak of today is so much closer to our heart than for most! We are affected by criticisms more than most.
What to do ?
How to love?
The answer to the last question must be pretty obvious.
As I write this post I am learning of a woman by the name of Rosie. Laying dying in Waikato hospital. She decided to take her life. She is an artist like me.
Like me she is fairly young, beautiful and with so much potential. Like me she struggles with a condition that is best managed through medication.
Like me, her medication is not fool proof, and like me there are times when medication has been discontinued through exercising her free will. But unlike me she’s not going to make it.
And post script I can insert that beautiful Rosie passed away and in her own thinking , is flying with butterflies and riding on unicorns somewhere over the rainbow. Bless you!! sweet pretty soul!!.
Back on this earth… how many more Rosie’s are in your work place, in your family, in your church, in your neighbourhood? —Not everybody learns to become a fighting machine.
Some are constantly…. just masquerading under a cloak of bravery.
Struggling every day to keep a hold of a sense of self worth and decency. Dipping and diving through a myriad of whispered words that inflict self defeat and personal degradation.
Even for the strongest of us! This battle is exhausting. I have wished at times I could start my life over, or erase my mind or rip out my own tongue and the tongue of others through want of seemingly unattainable understanding, as I’ve crumbled to the floor in an avalanche of despair and confusion, as I’ve faced betrayals and slandering so great I have nearly bowed down and given in to the unthinkable crazed sin of falsely accusing myself.
It’s been my observation and experience it is not just the ungodly or the disordered amongst us that fall prone to these vexations of spirit
How do we control our evil tongue?
I tend towards the belief now that aside from qualified and justified medication we are best placed to rely on strategy and motivation versus anything else.
I like what toastmasters teaches about the art of criticism and good and helpful communication.
The C-R-C method they call it. 1.Commend. 2. Recommend. 3.Commend.
It’s a communication skill. But that’s what it comes down to isn’t it?
I now earnestly and fervently try to follow this and I place this at the front of my mind when I start thinking and forming my opinion about the lives of others. Especially the lives of the vulnerable or the people closest to me now.
I know more than most that sometimes just a change of word can make a difference. I have so many regrets over my wrong choice of words!
This motivates me to think very carefully before I speak when dealing with the critique of another persons life, or brain, life decision or expression of self.
And what of the self?
What strategy to employ to control and manage our thoughts?
I turn to the ancient holy Bible for inspiration here.
Philippians 4:8King James Version (KJV)
8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
And to wrap this little “terrible” writing piece up.
“It’s important we feel free to express our hurts, the experiences that life has brought upon us whether through our own making or by another’s hand or just from that random twisting of the arms of fate.”
This serves to help the healing, to further the learning. To bring things out into the open between us so that we are better placed to forgive, or apply a gleaned wisdom to the continuing task that I think you’ll agree we all feel voluntarily obliged toward.
To love, and to be loved.
Both our own soul and the soul of others.
I’ve found it’s always, yes always possible to find something positive to say about anyone. Yep that’s anyone.
PS: .. I’ll leave you with this song.. It speaks very poetically and beautifully toward all these things.
It takes ALOT to know a man, to know, to understand…”, By Damien Rice.
FOR Rosie , and for my Mum, Dad, Brother, Son and Nana … and the men I have loved and lost and also turned away from . I love you all xx
PS: and we can speak more about love ❤️another time.
In the meantime love me, ❤️you too.